A Delicious Revolution
If this isn't a sign of an impending apocalypse, I don't know what is: On the back of all Kit-Kats (or Kit-Kats for those used to the trademark slanty writing), there are instructions. These instructions do not, however, provide the consumer with scrumptious, Kit-Kat-related recipes, such as Kitty Litter or Kit-Kat Fun-Time Dippin' Sticks. They only serve to explain how to open the package.
Step 1: Place thumb here. (A dotted oval is used to ensure proper thumb placement.)
Step 2: Place index finger here. (Again, dotted oval.)
Step 3: Tear here. (This time, an arrow combines forces with a dotted line to direct you to the optimal tear point.)
Step 4: Obtain blowtorch. (Self-explanatory.)
Step 5: Place candy over exposed eyeball. (Horizontally, to include both eyes.)
Step 6: Melt into eyes, and enjoy! (The stinging sensation that you will experience is your enjoyment.)
Did Hershey's realize that its Kit-Kat was being passed over because it was seen as the enigma of the chocolate wafer world? Left unsold on store shelves for only the boldest of adventurers to try and open? I assume that the decision to include directions was, like anything else, profit-driven, and that someone theorized that the candy wasn't being purchased because nobody knew how to get it open. Buying a Kit-Kat was a pointless, cerebral exercise. Like buying a jigsaw puzzle that couldn't be opened.
But that all changed with the advent of the "Tear Here" arrow. Suddenly, the American populace couldn't get enough Kit-Kats. Following the "Tear Here" revolution of the late 1990's, jubilance could be heard in convenience marts across the nation, as Americans opened things that many had predicted man would never open.
- "Ohhhh, tear heeeere. So you don't have to eat the glossy foil-paper. Boy, is my small intestine going to be relieved!"
- "I guess gutting you with a fishing knife wasn't the most efficient way to access your sweet, sweet innards. Praise the Lord!"
- "If those Goddamn Trojans had had a "Tear Here" arrow, I wouldn't have to deal with you every weekend!"
"What are you talking about, Daddy?"
"Eat your candy!"
posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 6:16 PM
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