The Quarterly Grain Report

From the Human-Arrangement Archives

Rumor has it that if one were to ever travel abroad, no other culture has yet been able to grasp the concept of forming lines. In England, for example, they instead form another, equally efficient figure, a crowd, and the ones who are best able to stab their way through are rewarded with a warm slice of apple pie at the end. And in Saudi Arabia, the alternative to the line is typically death by firing squad; a truly unique method of distribution that has reddened the face of many an unaccustomed tourist.

Even in the US, line-formation has greatly evolved from the days in which women, in order to stand in a public line, were required by law to balance some type of carnivorous, feathered vertebrate atop their skulls. This was both to ensure lady-like posture, and to protect against the acquisition of VD. In a custom originating in mid 16th-century Germany, birds of prey were placed near the woman as she slept to insure against the contraction of syphilis. Failure to protect the lady from infection would commonly result in the death of both the bird and the woman, for they were thought to be in allegiance with Lucifer. Lucifer's cloven hooves, while extremely durable, were known to be the source of all carnal diseases. However, support for this theory began to decline in 1753, when a series of experiments confirmed the notion that syphilis is caused not by the cloven hoof of Satan, but by women voicing their opinions in public.

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 11:59 PM