The Quarterly Grain Report

An Old-Fashioned, Good-Timey Post

When life gets you down, just remember some old phrase that you may have been told at one point or another, along your path to sheer greatness, similar to lycra. When I find myself in this type of predicament, I usually continue in the said state of melancholy for quite some time, as I must not seem the type of fellow that would readily accept proverbs from strangers. I must look surly or else emit some type of foul odor as I traverse the dank alleyways of my home-tropolis, for whenever I am truly in need of some helpful, stranger-provided advice, I receive none. The usual response that I draw is something like a rape or horrible lead pipe beating. I really should steer clear of those alleyways. They do look inviting, I'll give them that...

Weird, I was going for a simple period but ended up with ellipses. That last sentence wasn't supposed to be a cliffhanger, or a lead-in to anything, I simply have too much caffeine in my system. This is almost a necessity when you are up at the crack of dawn as I am on a daily basis. That's right. I'm wide awake before any of you clowns have had your wet-dream climaxes. I'm busting my ass (lightly sweeping) before you can clean yourself up and shake off your embarrassment with a steaming bowl of rice...err, pudding...adventure.

What is the first thing you think of when I say Muslim? This question cannot currently be answered because I have not spoken the aforementioned word, I have only just finished typing it. Now to rephrase. What is the first thing you think of when you have read the recently typed word Muslim? I can fathom that many of you (assuming that the typist is not the sole reader of this piece of writing) have associated the word Muslim with the peaceful and serene religion of Islam. Incapable of doing anyone any harm, save a few loonies with C4 and some duct tape. This is absolutely correct. Just because the most prominent terror attacks of the last 25 years have been primarily the deeds of Muslims, doesn't mean that they should be paid any more attention than the zealots who don't behead people. And just because many of the neighborhood children, who happen to live within a 200-yard radius of a known sex-offender, have been complaining about being sodomized, doesn't mean that the rapist shouldn't be under the same scrutiny as the family dog. I mean, the dog probably did it anyway! He was in heat, or something, and those bacon-scented kids had it coming! Profiling is wrong!

Politicians in general, please step off your moral soapboxes. Whoever provided you with that extremely large crate that was once filled with soap seems like a shady character, but that's just me. Who needs that much soap? Extremists of one sort or another? Obsessive-compulsives? Pigpen? (Peanuts reference too juvenile for you? Just replace Pigpen with back-alley abortionists. Now go back to sleep dear.)

What happened to the good ol' days, when a man wouldn't dare go out for a night on the town without a very dapper hat? If society were to go back to this, I can conclude that the respective levels of gentlemenlyness, suavity, bootlegging, and dapperance would rise exponentially. Not to mention the skyrocketing popularity of rich, satisfying Chesterfields.

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 9:30 PM