The Quarterly Grain Report

Mid-Year Resolutions

Or, more appropriately, 63% of the way through the year resolutions. Normally, when the populace makes their resolutions, the month is January, and indeed, very cold. And nothing is more of a hurdle in the race to achieve those annual goals, (most of which are unbelievably unattainable anyway, and therefore, a lifelong exercise in futility) than the combination of leftover holiday meat pies, and hours upon hours indoors. This is why I will not resolve to do anything each year until the corn is at least knee-high. So without further adieu, I present to you my Mid-Year resolutions MMV!

• Incorporate the word "however" into everyday speech. In this way, I intend for approx 12% of all my utterances to come with a drawback, leaving all those within earshot slightly disappointed.
• Turn left significantly less. Following a minor smash-up involving my front left Camry corner, I was hopeful that both the headlights and turn signal would still function. However, this was not the case. In order to accomplish this seemingly impossible, primarily clockwise feat, I have fashioned a device out of string and tape that prevents my wheel from rotating any further than 45 degrees counterclockwise. If I attempt to go beyond, a pen that has been secured to the steering wheel will depress the "PLAY" button on an adjacent tape recorder, which will serve up a verbal chastising in the form of "You shan't turn left!" voiced by John Cleese.
• Adhere more strictly to the creed of the lumberjack. Examples: 1) Increase net syrup/flapjack intake 2) Schedule valiant public displays of facial hair 3) Buy a cross-cut saw

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 10:12 PM