Aesop Omissions
While recently scouring the web for pornography, I must have somehow misspelled the name of a certain starlet, because I stumbled upon this delightful tale of a father and his son. The whimsical picture that accompanied the legend was only icing on the cake.
Dating from England circa 1350, the narrative centers around the trials and tribulations of father Bilo (pronounced BEE-loh) and his son, Derek. I cannot attest to the authenticity of the son's name, but for lack of a replacement, he will continue forth as Derek. What follows is an exact reproduction of the original fable, passed down through generations of Europeans. It's called "Come And Knock On Our Door. "
Derek, distraught after his day's schooling lessons, came home seeking words of comfort from his father, Bilo. For the wicked schoolboys had taunted Derek, and made him the subject of fun due to his abnormal appearance and possession of knife-shooting maracas.
"Father! O, Father!" shouted Derek. "What shall I do? My schoolmates are vicious and evil to me!"
"Nevermind them, my son," replied Bilo. "For they will eternally burn in the deepest depths of Hell for their transgressions against you, and the Lord. These boys, who do you nothing but harm, are only digging themselves deeper graves in which to rot, forevermore."
"But Father, their insults sting me so!"
Bilo realized that his son Derek would not soon cease, and decided it was time to tell him of his own father's origins.
"My son, you have often asked your father why he frightens children so; why he has to live a life of wretched appearance and sullen demeanor; why he can play only the theme of Three's Company on his flute. You have many times asked me these things, and I have turned you away. For these are not the kinds of questions whose answers should be concerning young boys. Young boys should be occupied with the disposing of plague-ridden kittens, and making merry playing bamut with the other children. But now, my son; now that you are able to fully understand the corrupt workings of the human mind; now you are ready to hear such vile things from your own father's lips.
"Ages ago, when my knees were no nearer the ground than yours, I became enamored with my father's prized ewe, Dutchess. She floated across the fields behind our home like a spirit, and smelled of fresh grain and delicious gourds. Every moment of my day was filled with shame and impure thoughts of her, and I begged the Lord to rid me of my burden. But nothing of the sort did occur. Dutchess and I endured a steady courtship, and when the time felt right, I was able to profess my love to her. That same night, 'neath the rolling, moonlit fog of our glen, Dutchess and I consummated our love physically.
"Before dawn the next day, a demon appeared to me. The demon bellowed that he was known as Rifalgor, and proceeded to impale my beautiful Dutchess upon his trident.
"Bilo!" roared the demon. "You are a human of the very worst kind! For your heinous carnal act of defiling an innocent sheep, you will wear the face of a common goat for all eternity! And to further punish and humiliate you, the flute that you are so adept at making sing will no longer emit such pleasing tones. Oh, no. Now it is only capable of producing one, single tune. The theme from the sitcom that contained the highest amount of sexual tension ever to appear on television, Three's Company!"
"And with that, my son, the demon vanished in a cloud of black smoke, leaving me in a drying pool of blood and woolen clumps to mourn my lost love. So you see, this is why your father looks as he does."
Derek sat in silence for three days. On the third night he too was visited by the demon Rifalgor, who spoke of even more impure, carnal exploits before slaying Bilo with his trident, and transforming Derek's head into that of John Ritter.
I'm not sure what type of lesson in morality this was supposed to be, but it was the fourteenth century.
posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 12:09 AM
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