The Quarterly Grain Report

O Presidents' Day

In honor of this, our 450th Presidents' Day celebration, The Quarterly Grain Report has compiled a list of facts that you may or may not know about all 450 or so U.S. Presidents.

1) George Washington, to the embarrassment of the entire congress, could not address the Indian Intercourse Act without performing a lewd, thrusting gesture with his pelvis.

2) John Adams would often refer to Postmaster General Joseph Habersham as "Beastmaster," due to his ability to communicate with creatures of the forest, and gain their assistance in battling warlocks.

3) In an effort to publicly distance himself from his slave mistress, Thomas Jefferson excluded her from all but two of his bi-annual, White House river-rafting trips.

4) James Madison, bullied mercilessly during primary school, carried out a schoolyard musket rampage at age fifteen, seriously injuring no one.

5) James Monroe enjoyed minced-meat pie to an almost obsessive degree. He once held a cook-off amongst all southern senators with top prize being twenty-seven strapping young Negroes.

6) John Quincy Adams was actually John Adams, the second President of the United States. He simply cut his hair, grew his sideburns out, adopted a clever pseudonym, and no one was the wiser.

7) Andrew Jackson, ignorant of how a bank actually operated, was given a Christmastime lecture by John C. Calhoun about how the process was supposed to work.

Calhoun: You're thinking of this place all wrong, Mr. President. As if I had the money back there in a safe. The money's not here. Your money's in Joe's house, and in the Kennedy house, and Mrs. Macklin's house, and a hundred others. Why, you're lending them the money to build, and then, they're going to pay it back to you as best they can.

8) Although Martin Van Buren is the offspring of a Frankenstein-like monster and a vampire, he is, oddly enough, a werewolf.

9) In contrast to the commonly held belief that William Henry Harrison died of tuberculosis, he was actually gored to death by what would be the last presidentially-pardoned rhinoceros in a particularly gruesome public ceremony.

10) John Tyler, Harrison's Vice President and running mate in the 1840 election, especially disliked their campaign slogan "Log Cabins and Hard Cider." Tyler had originally suggested the song "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" by the 1970's arena-rock supergroup Journey, but was turned down.

11) After unexpectedly gaining the Democratic nomination and going on to win the presidency, the term "dark horse" was coined in reference to James K. Polk's hideous, horse-like features.

12) On the TV series Saved by the Bell, the character "Zack Morris" (a charming, manipulative, high school schemer played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar) was largely based on the antics of our twelfth President, Zachary Taylor.

13) Millard Fillmore was commemorated in 1872 with the introduction of the less-than-well-received, negative five cents coin.

14) Pierce Franklin, idolized by millions of teenage girls after his hit "Musk Oxen Stomp" hit #1, quietly fell off the radar and strategically changed his name to Franklin Pierce for his presidential run.

15) James Buchanan went thoroughly insane toward the end of his single presidential term, and often would claim to have befriended Paul Bunyan, and Pharaoh Ramses II. He and his 'family' of Democratic followers even went so far as to shave their heads and carve X's between their eyes.

16) In a historic grudge match, Abraham Lincoln battled and defeated Macho Man Randy Savage for the heavyweight title at WrestleMania in March of 1862. Honest Abe's impressive, three-year title reign came to an end however, at the hands of "The Assassin," Mad Johnny Booth, in a no-holds-barred, steel-cage razor-wire match on April 15, 1865.

17) Andrew Johnson, in the midst of an uncontrollable power trip as seventh grade class president, illegally removed class treasurer Betty Thompson from office, and was subsequently impeached by the school board.

18) Meriwether Grant, enamored with the feats of Odysseus portrayed in the Greek epic The Odyssey, attempted to change his name to pay homage to his hero, but was unable to spell it properly and ended up being known as Ulysses.

19) Rutherford B. Hayes, displaying the athleticism that would make his great-grandson an all-pro NFL running back (Dallas' Bob Hayes of the 1960's), led all three branches of government in tackles (478) and all-purpose yards (6,922) during his four years in office.

20) Charles J. Guiteau, fed up with the President's snide comments, laziness, and gluttonous lasagna consumption, ended the life of James Garfield just four months into his presidency, by drowning him inside a burlap sack.

21) The corpse of Chestur A. Arthur, after being laid to rest in a small Maine pet cemetery, was resurrected, and now performs under the name Renee Zellweger.

22) Much to the confusion of foreign ambassadors, Grover Cleveland would frequently refer to himself throughout his first term as "The Grove."

23) Amish by birth, Benjamin Harrison's notoriously strict facial hair policies and iron-fist rule drove many of his own cabinet members to rebel, and ride him out of town on a slow-moving, horse-driven rail.

24) Seeking to dismiss rumors that he beat his wife, along with the accompanying nickname "the Beast of Buffalo," Grover Cleveland tracked down the reporter who came up with the epithet, and proceeded to eat him alive. He then gave his wife a piece of his mind, and his hand.

25) In 1899 William McKinley, by executive order, decreed that all government cafeterias would no longer serve "corn dogs." To this day, they are called "Breaded William McKinley Pork Spears."

26) To the relief of his cabinet, Theodore Roosevelt ultimately decided against making Mount Rushmore a giant monument to all the animals that he had killed with his bare hands. TR opted instead for a monument of Presidents that he probably could have killed with his bare hands.

27) Whereas Roosevelt's presidency was characterized by "Trust-Busting," the presidency of William H. Taft was characterized by a morbidly obese man "Furniture-Busting."

28) The character "Wilson," Tom Hanks' volleyball comrade in the Hollywood blockbuster Cast Away, was largely based on the outlandish personality of President Woodrow Wilson, whose face was, in fact, fashioned out of dried blood.

29) President Warren G. Harding wrote and performed over 345 rap songs, many of which were covered sixty years later by Warren Harding tribute-rapper, Warren G. The President penned such classics as "Gangsta Love," "Ghetto Village," and "G-Funk is Here 2 Stay."

30) Calvin Coolidge was branded with the nickname "Silent Cal" following the discovery of a string of stealth assassinations he committed during his younger days.

31) Herbert Hoover, the thirty-first President of the United States, suffered from serious colon problems his entire life. His bowel constipation was so severe that medical professionals of the day often referred to similar conditions as "Hoover Dams." Naturally, the barrier that was constructed to obstruct the flow of the Colorado River was named in his honor.

32) Franklin D. Roosevelt's dog had full use of all of its legs.

33) In addition to popularizing the phrases "The buck stops here" and "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen," Harry Truman was also the original drummer in the 1970's southern-rock band Molly Hatchet.

34) In an ill-advised attempt at humor, Dwight Eisenhower got himself into hot water by wearing a button that read "Ike Likes Dykes" to a 1958 gay and lesbian convention.

35) Once unmasked on the autopsy table, it was revealed that John F. Kennedy was none other than Old Man Stephenson, the owner of the haunted amusement park.

36) Prior to entering politics, Lyndon Johnson was the premier sculptor of erotic ice-art in the Northern Hemisphere. His 1928 masterpiece, Two Chicks Doing It, is still on display under a temperature-controlled glass case at the Louvre.

37) In February of 1971, seven men with ties to both the Washington Gererals basketball organization and the administation of Richard Nixon were caught breaking into the offices of the Harlem Globetrotters. Although the intruders came away with a barrage of top-secret and hilarious basketball moves, the Generals were still defeated 162-54.

38) President Gerald Ford became a child star in the 1920's with his portrayal of "Buckwheat" in the Our Gang comedy shorts.

39) Many of the houses that President Jimmy Carter built with Habitat For Humanity were structurally unsound, and resulted in many civilian deaths upon collapse. An independent commission came to the conclusion that this was primarily due to the houses having been constructed by Jimmy Carter.

40) In order to stay healthy and well-rested, Ronald Reagan, with help from Secretary of State George Shultz, would often become mummified for long periods of time. After emerging from his slumber, Reagan demanded a protein-rich animal sacrifice to feast upon. This entire process was periodically recorded and broadcast to intimidate the Soviets.

41) Seeking to rally support in his quest to earn enough credit for a Coca-Cola beach towel, in April 1990 George H.W. Bush urged his cabinet to collect "A thousand points of Sprite" so he could send away for it.

42) Unable to keep his laughter under control for several hours after viewing a single episode, Bill Clinton was not allowed to watch Charles In Charge throughout his entire second term.

43) George W. Bush was arrested in 1966 on two counts of stalking and aggravated assault. For five years he could not come within one thousand feet of Davy Jones.

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 5:11 PM