Showdown
After much heated debate, it has come to the attention of many citizens of this country that no hierarchy has yet been established of toxically-mutated crimefighters. It seems like every city across the nation has its own set of grotesquely disfigured vigilantes who will stop at nothing to ensure the safety of their respective metropolises; and without a clear pecking order, or some type of leader to exercise authority over the legions of deformed do-gooders, all hell could break loose. Or more of it anyway. So here, this evening, it will be settled once and for all. Who really is the greatest chemically-altered keeper of our cities? Who is ultra-smooth with the ladies, even though he resembles an aborted fetus? Who follows his killings with the wittiest remarks and puns that criminals have ever known? All these riddles will be answered thoroughly, and tonight, the eternal debate will finally be put to rest.
The field of heroes has been narrowed to two. A process that consumed the whole of the last month and resulted in the elimination of over 26,000 freaks, has left just two. The Toxic Avenger, and Raphael, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. These are the cream of the crop. Top of the line toxic waste-altered ass kickers. And both of their cases will now be compared and subjected to the most scrutiny since Scrutiny Days '97.
Residence
Toxic Avenger: Tromaville, New Jersey
Raphael: New York City sewers
Advantage: Avenger - He has no secret lair. Crime doesn't take a break.
Backstory
Toxic Avenger:
Prior to becoming the baddest motherfucker in all of New Jersey, the Avenger started out as "Melvin," a janitor at the local health club. After enduring merciless teasing at the hands of the other, physically attractive club members, Melvin finally cracked after being tricked into making out with a sheep. He was chased by his tormentors to the third story of the facility and, reaching the end of the hallway, leaped out of the window. Unfortunately for Melvin, an open drum of toxic sludge was located directly below the window, and he landed squarely inside of it. (And if you have been to any sort of health club recently, you know just how easily this can happen.) Melvin raced home and ran a nice, warm bath. But before he could even stop his man-sobbing, he was transformed into a monstrous being with superhuman strength. Melvin was the Toxic Avenger. The Avenger instinctively sought to bring the corruption of the world to light, and evildoers to his mop of justice.
Raphael:
After buying four turtles at a pet store, a small child tripped on his way home, and Raphael and three others fell into the sewer. The turtles became doused in Mutagen, a highly volatile toxin that someone had also spilled into the sewer upon tripping, or something. There they were met by a Japanese martial arts expert who lived underground, and decided to name and care for each of them. But contrary to what one would think would happen to radioactive turtles, they didn't develop painful tumors or reptile lymphoma, but opposable thumbs. The turtles soon began to grow to immense sizes, stand on their hind legs, become attracted to human females, and learn English along with various martial arts. Their trainer, who was exposed to the nuclear toxin along with the turtles, logically turned into a giant rat who wore clothing, but had no super strength. Following the near assault of a female reporter that the turtles prevented, they took the next sensible step and became full-time vigilante mutant crime-fighters. Raphael, being the most outspoken and rebellious of the four, and the only turtle wielding a short-range weapon, will serve as group representative.
Advantage: Raphael - Although he possesses roughly the same abilities as the Avenger, Raphael was never at any point human, which explains his fondness for Phil Collins.
Weapons
Avenger: Mop, super strength, menacing dead eye
Raphael: The sai (kinda like a fork, but not)
Advantage: Draw - This one would go to the turtle, but the Avenger's super strength makes up for his rather effeminate instrument.
Razor-Sharp One-Liners
Toxic Avenger:
- "I'm not just another pretty face."
- "Let's see if you've got any guts." (Punches the mayor in the stomach and rips out his guts)
- (The Avenger is fighting a thug, when suddenly a beeping is heard. He checks his watch) "Lucky for you I've got a piano lesson."
None. He'll just thrust a sai into your throat and be on his way.
Advantage: The Avenger - He could write for Dharma & Greg.
Disguises
Raphael: Seamlessly blends into New York population wearing a trenchcoat and hat.
Avenger: None. Justice needs not to be cloaked.
Advantage: Avenger
So, after much deliberation, ballot casting and counting, it has been determined that the unquestionable ruler of all genetically-altered vigilante crime-fighters, and the last name to be uttered by every dying criminal will be...
The Toxic Avenger
For being selected, the Avenger will receive a gift basket containing various lotions (courtesy of Bath & Body Works), a Craftsman 51-piece socket and ratchet set, and coupons redeemable at any Toledo-area IHOP.
Raphael, along with the other 26,000 runners-up, will recieve a VHS copy of Teen Wolf, starring Michael J. Fox.
posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 1:36 AM
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