The Circle of Life
As NCAA hysteria is in full gear here in the lower 48, the real March Madness is set to begin on Saturday for our neighbors to the north. Canada's hallowed annual tradition, the nationwide harp seal hunt, will commence this weekend. And for anyone who has endured the last eleven months without so much as a taste of sweet, sweet seal blood, this year's crop surely won't disappoint.However, this coming seal season will be accompanied by a cause for concern. The ice on which the annihilation typically takes place is much more broken-up than usual, leading to a scattering of the seals. As a result, the Canadian government is preparing for the longest, bloodiest assault on seal forces since 1874.
In addition to allowing seals to be shot or clubbed, Canadian authorities have sanctioned traditional tactics that had previously been forbidden in an effort to raise enlistment in anti-seal forces, and intimidate the crafty enemy. Recently authorized methods of killing include, but are not limited to:
- Boiling oiling
- Harpooning
- Greco-Roman wrestling
- Mixed martial arts (except Capoeira)
- Curbing
- Politically-charged napalming
- Ted Danson-ing
- Snake-handling
- Slip-N-Sliding
- Scalping (natives only)
- Health benefit-cutting
- Love-making
- Public humiliation
- Parade route assassination
- Psychological torture
When questioned about his own method of choice, Prime Minister Stephen Harper admitted to his partiality for "a good old-fashioned fistfight." Harper added that he especially enjoys inflicting further damage on the seal corpse while he has intercourse with it. Don't we all, Prime Minister, don't we all.
posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 11:41 PM
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