Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Discussion of Nobel Candidates Erupts into Fisticuffs


MIAMI FL- A pregame discussion of the most recent Nobel Prize-winning laureates degenerated into an all-out melee during Saturday's college football game between the University of Miami and Florida International.

According to reports, a number of Florida International players, as well as many Miami athletes had been exhibiting signs of disbelief, anger, and frustration over the Nobel Committee's choice of American astrophysicists John Mather and George Smoot as the 2006 recipients of the prestigious award.

"We've had a few pretty bad weeks of practice since the announcement," said Miami head coach Larry Coker. "[Free Safety] Anthony [Reddick] missed four team meetings, and when he did show up, all he wanted to do was pick fights with anybody who supported Mather. I'm glad my kids are interested in the world of science, but I'm sorry. Hurricane football comes before groundbreaking physics achievements."

When asked what triggered the seemingly random outbreak of violence, Reddick responded bitterly.

"All the motherfuckers on the Nobel Committee gotta be out of their fuckin' skulls," said Reddick about the 2006 award. "How the fuck is Giorgio Bellettini walkin' away without the fuckin' medal in his hand?! Some niggas who discovered the motherfuckin' black body form and anisotropies of the cosmic microwave background radiation are more important to these cocksuckers than my boy, who brought the fuckin' house down with his CDF 94 evidence, and then CDF-D0 95 observation?! Fuck that. I feel like vomiting right now."

Across town, Florida International athlete Chris Smith had also been stewing about the Mather/Smoot selection for the past few weeks. Though unlike Reddick, he had supported an entirely different contributor.

"Mather's a shitbag, man," said Smith following the on-field chaos. "He can shove his fuckin' black body up his mother's asshole, and so can Smoot and any niggas in his fucking corner. You know Tom Murdock did all the fuckin' work on that project. The COBE team discovered goddamn anisotropies in the motherfuckin' CMB, but now Mather and Smoot are the only niggas gettin' pussy off it?! The whole team won the fuckin' Gruber Prize, but now Murdock and his boys gotta eat shit all of a sudden?!

"Those Nobel cunts gone and fucked over the most deserving candidates once again," Smith continued. "It's all fucking politics man. That's all it is. You think Marty Perl was really the best guy out there in '95?! No. He just sucked tau lepton dick 'til he was at the top of the game. And I'm sick of it."

Prior to the football contest, a number of atheletes on both sides discussed this year's candidates and their respective scientific achievements without incident. But following a remark uttered by Miami holder Matt Perrelli about the Higgs, Yang, and Mills discovery team during the third quarter, Smith and his Florida International teammate Marshall McDuffie Jr. had had enough.

"That white boy's been talkin' a lot of weak Higgs particle shit all game," said McDuffie. "So me and Chris whooped his theoretical-ass. Fuckin' Yang-Mills theory?! You ain't bringin' that shit up in here! That Italian bitch was bound to get his ass beat for spittin' that kinda shit. It jus' ended up bein' us two niggas that done it."

In all, 31 players have been suspended for their roles in Saturday's heated, experimental physics debate.

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 7:03 PM 0 comments

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Life's Generosities

When life hands you lemons, as the saying goes, make lemonade. But does the saying take into account that some of us may not have the additional ingredients necessary to complete the parable? No. So unless life is generous enough to hand everyone sugar, water, a pitcher, a wooden spoon, and the knowledge to concoct the said mixture, he who has received only lemons is left both slightly confused, and to his own creative devices.

If he who has received the unexpected gift of citrus is unfamiliar with the life/lemons commandment, he might just use them for some purpose that life might not approve of, such as lacing the gloves of a mixed martial-arts combatant with citric acid, ensuring additional irritation to wounds inflicted on his opponent.

Now, I know what some of you may be saying to yourselves: It's not meant to be taken literally; life never hands actual lemons; it places people into fortuitous circumstances that they must take into their own hands to further improve.

But what if life stops handing out sets of beneficial circumstances? What if instead of inspirational lemons, life starts handing out nothing but dirty plums that all have three or four big dents in them? Are we to still take this free fruit as a sign of improving circumstances? Or are we to make of it what it really is, regardless of whatever parable we were taught by our overbearing, depression-era grandmothers? If life starts handing out dirty plums to citizens of this great country, should we just continue smiling and attempt to create a drink out of whatever shit we stepped into that day? I for one, will not.

Lemons don't seem like the best fruit to use in a saying about good fortune anyway, so can we not stumble onto some sort of fruit that can be enjoyed by itself? Like a delicious peach? Or a fig?

If there ever comes a time when the values of society slowly evolve to the point where lemons are cast in a bad-luck shadow, will the lemon parable continue to exist as a lesson in worsening an already bad situation? If life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. I'm not sure, but by this time society will undoubtedly have created a whole new set of lessons with sayings along the lines of If life ever drops some bird duke on your shoulder, don't wipe it off. That will only smear it and spread it out. Just wait for it to harden and you will probably be able to chip it off in a few clean pieces.

Whatever the case, if Mark gets hit by a bus, no amount of dirty plum-ade is going to salvage the remainder of the day. The fact remains that Mark still got run over by a huge mass-transit conveyance, and to top it off, was later forced to consume some sort of horrible-tasting fruit punch that must've been way past the expiration date, just so the glass-half-full people in the room could rest a little easier that night, knowing that even though he got pummeled by the gigantic Greyhound bus of life, Mark made the most of the situation.

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 2:33 PM 0 comments

Thursday, October 05, 2006

A New (Gastrointestinal) Frontier

When a new age Eliot Ness begins his first onslaught of inevitable raids on the obesity perpetuators of America, Taco Bell might just be towards the top of his hit list. But this time around there will be no smuggled Canadian rum to make the papers, and no Capone-esque crime lord to take the fall for what has been transpiring at South-of-the-Border eateries for at least the past few days, if not decades. There might be some sort of Taco figurehead, but I doubt he solves his management problems with a baseball bat in the tradition of the former Chicagoland icon. If anything, he probably wears a hairnet and conceals a switchblade under his wife-beater. I do hope Kevin Costner signs on to portray his twenty-first century adversary, though.

You see, the situation I am referring to specifically is not the mammoth portions of nutritionless tripe served for 99 cents, nor the tortillas filled with dog meat unfit for a Korean schoolhouse. No, I am talking, of course, about the ever-evolving world of fast-food side dishes.

Gone are the days when one could order a bean burrito and expect a few ounces of soda and a couple of nachos served with a delightful cup of boiling liquid cheese. These days are only a fond memory. When one orders a bean burrito today, one can expect exactly a gallon of soda to accompany it, and.... wait for it.... TWO ADDITIONAL TACOS.

You read correctly little ones. While intently studying the menu on a recent Mex-pedition (I'm sorry) and looking over the various value meal combinations, I discovered an odd set of circumstances. Whereas other fast-food establishments are required by law to serve some sort of potato-product or the like with their value meals, Taco Bell has taken it upon themselves to revolutionize the way we as a population view the traditional side dish. They have gone ahead and made available meals consisting of a main course, a beverage, and as a side order, another meal.

What's a couple more tacos? You've already set out to consume a ridiculous amount of greasy, pseudo-Mexican shit, so logically, you should be able to top that off with a few more tacos, right? And remember, you can gorge yourself until 3 am or later, just like in the commercial.

Two tacos is actually a combo in itself, available a few numbers down the line, surely for the pussies who just aren't able to cope with the type of system shock that the more manly combos come with.

Pffff. Can't eat two tacos and an entire Mexican pizza? That's un-American.

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 11:11 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

This Day in History!

July 17, 1953
Upon arriving late to Sen. Joseph McCarthy's bi-monthly, senatorial board-game night, and finding Miss Scarlett to be the only remaining playing piece, Sen. Arthur Watkins decides to "catch up on some expense reports that he'd been meaning to get around to," instead of playing Clue with McCarthy and four of the other senators. When reached for comment, Watkins spoke of McCarthy regularly accusing Miss Scarlett of the murder, along with sabotage, political espionage, and countless other offenses not mentioned outside McCarthy's own personal game maunal. According to Watkins, Senator McCarthy frequently made these accusations out of turn, would often confer with up to three aides prior to each move, and also disallowed use of the four corner-passageways, saying that they "Couldn't exist" because "You can't go under the board."

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 10:44 PM 0 comments