The Quarterly Grain Report

July 17, 1953

Upon arriving late to Sen. Joseph McCarthy's bi-monthly, senatorial board-game night, and finding Miss Scarlett to be the only remaining playing piece, Sen. Arthur Watkins decides to "catch up on some expense reports that he'd been meaning to get around to," instead of playing Clue with McCarthy and four of the other senators. When reached for comment, Watkins spoke of McCarthy regularly accusing Miss Scarlett of the murder, along with sabotage, political espionage, and countless other offenses not mentioned outside McCarthy's own personal game maunal. According to Watkins, Senator McCarthy frequently made these accusations out of turn, would often confer with up to three aides prior to each move, and also disallowed use of the four corner-passageways, saying that they "Couldn't exist" because "You can't go under the board."