With Technology Comes Deceit
Profound Truth #106B: When you're black, Jesus comes with waffle fries.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business. Since every other day seems to be some sort of minor holiday these days (eg: Take Your Secretary's Dog For It's Yearly Immunizations Day; March 22nd by the way), why not throw one more occasion into the quickly-thickening holiday mix/stew. Maybe we should have used less Mediterranean-style vegetables in this stew, and more of those native to the Americas, because Goddamn this is a hearty stew, but what's done is done.
Either way, Misplaced Apostrophe Day is nearing, and Im' sure many o'f you simp'ly w'ont be able to cope wit'h the shock. See? If anyone actually was able to decode that sentence with all the crazy out-of-place apostrophes, you will be awarded a medal. Of apostrophe honor. And the medal comes with free salad and breadsticks.
There was a story in the news a while back about a girl who was born with the majority of a fully-formed conjoined twin still attached to her body. It was termed a parasitic fraternal twin or something, but apparently that headline wasn't nearly flashy enough to grab anyone's internet-attention (internettention: not a word) who happened to stumble onto a respectable news site while trawling the depths of the web for flesh.
No. The headline that was settled on, and the one that would certainly reel in the curious internetter like a five-inch garlic-scented reaper tail bass lure (Have to stop using nautical and fishing analogies. It has begun to affect my life), was as follows: Girl Born With Eight Legs!
Eight legs?!! That's considerably more than usual, I think. I better check this out.
Did the parents have to build a custom baby-walker with eight leg holes? Do any of these legs have digits that allow the child to hold onto things? How many legs do babies usually have? Did the parents have a name picked out already and then just add "Octo-" to the beginning? That'd be cool.
All these questions ran through my mind prior to the page loading, but as soon as the truth was revealed, all my dreams about the existence of a hideous, real-live X-Men creature were dashed.
Oh, its just a dead twin. Still pretty gross, but kind of a letdown. When you see a headline about a girl who was born with eight legs, what comes to mind? That's right. The next step in human evolution personified by a terrifying, spider-y looking toddler. Not a cute little girl with the body of another cute little girl coming out of her abdomen.
Besides the headline being slightly misleading, it was also not even accurate in its limb classification or inventory. Eight legs? Try four legs and four arms, only 50% of which are functional. The rest just dangling for show. I think the girl was going to undergo a pretty serious operation to remove her side-corpse, but I lost interest in the article.
I guess that's what I get for getting my hopes up.
Now that that's out of the way, let's get down to business. Since every other day seems to be some sort of minor holiday these days (eg: Take Your Secretary's Dog For It's Yearly Immunizations Day; March 22nd by the way), why not throw one more occasion into the quickly-thickening holiday mix/stew. Maybe we should have used less Mediterranean-style vegetables in this stew, and more of those native to the Americas, because Goddamn this is a hearty stew, but what's done is done.
Either way, Misplaced Apostrophe Day is nearing, and Im' sure many o'f you simp'ly w'ont be able to cope wit'h the shock. See? If anyone actually was able to decode that sentence with all the crazy out-of-place apostrophes, you will be awarded a medal. Of apostrophe honor. And the medal comes with free salad and breadsticks.
There was a story in the news a while back about a girl who was born with the majority of a fully-formed conjoined twin still attached to her body. It was termed a parasitic fraternal twin or something, but apparently that headline wasn't nearly flashy enough to grab anyone's internet-attention (internettention: not a word) who happened to stumble onto a respectable news site while trawling the depths of the web for flesh.
No. The headline that was settled on, and the one that would certainly reel in the curious internetter like a five-inch garlic-scented reaper tail bass lure (Have to stop using nautical and fishing analogies. It has begun to affect my life), was as follows: Girl Born With Eight Legs!
Eight legs?!! That's considerably more than usual, I think. I better check this out.
Did the parents have to build a custom baby-walker with eight leg holes? Do any of these legs have digits that allow the child to hold onto things? How many legs do babies usually have? Did the parents have a name picked out already and then just add "Octo-" to the beginning? That'd be cool.
All these questions ran through my mind prior to the page loading, but as soon as the truth was revealed, all my dreams about the existence of a hideous, real-live X-Men creature were dashed.
Oh, its just a dead twin. Still pretty gross, but kind of a letdown. When you see a headline about a girl who was born with eight legs, what comes to mind? That's right. The next step in human evolution personified by a terrifying, spider-y looking toddler. Not a cute little girl with the body of another cute little girl coming out of her abdomen.
Besides the headline being slightly misleading, it was also not even accurate in its limb classification or inventory. Eight legs? Try four legs and four arms, only 50% of which are functional. The rest just dangling for show. I think the girl was going to undergo a pretty serious operation to remove her side-corpse, but I lost interest in the article.
I guess that's what I get for getting my hopes up.
posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 10:35 PM
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