The Quarterly Grain Report

Lock Your Doors... and Your Esophaguses, I Suppose

After months upon months of tireless research, I have come to one conclusion: All humans are allergic to peanuts. And if all humans are allergic to something, does it not become classified as poison? Ponder that one on the john for a while.

I suppose the genesis of my research project traces back to when I noticed a small warning on a jar of peanut butter:


Well I fucking hope so. Just the presence of this warning suggests that there was actually someone, somewhere, who reasoned, that "There's probably no peanuts in this. After all, it's peanut butter, not peanuts." Then they sued Peter Pan for not properly labeling their product, and in doing so, catering to the dumbest beasts of the human species.

Buyer beware! May contain peanuts! The only conceivable humans that might need this type of disclaimer are drug-addled Ecstasy junkies who might be surprised to discover that a package of steaks May contain some steak. "What?! There's steaks in here?! Well I'm glad that was pointed out! No thank you!"

(On a side note, why did Planters do away with Mr. Peanut's mustache? Was he being perceived by the public as some kind of cartel-proprieting peanut-baron? If so, why do away with the mustache, but keep the monocle? I doubt he even has an eye problem because, unless this picture is of a distant relative, the monocle was originally on his left eye. And why did Planters feel it necessary for Mr. Peanut to wear his name on his top hat at all times? Who was the public mistaking him for? Count Cashew? Because almost anyone will tell you that Count Cashew is considerably more of a dandy, almost to a laughable degree, whereas Mr. Peanut is much more streetwise.)




Qualms about Mr. Peanut aside, I figured that if a warning was warranted on peanut butter, why not stick one on everything just to be on the safe side?

• Lincoln Logs (May not actually contain logs used by or made from the bones of President Lincoln)
• Ice Cream (May contain temporary relief from your self-esteem problem)
• Drain Cleaner (May contain permanent relief from your self-esteem problem)

In addition to peanut butter, now companies are putting peanut warnings on shit that shouldn't ever be near peanuts, just to avoid any sort of peanut-related lawsuits that may arise.

• Three Musketeers Bar (May contain peanuts)
• Daily Newspaper (Contains mid-80's Peanuts)
• Extra Strength Tylenol Cold & Allergy (Mostly peanuts; do not take for peanut-related allergy symptoms)

George Washington Carver must be rolling in his grave. Or at least formulating peanut-related methods of coming back to life and escaping his grave. That guy was resourceful.

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 8:05 PM