The Quarterly Grain Report

A New (Gastrointestinal) Frontier

When a new age Eliot Ness begins his first onslaught of inevitable raids on the obesity perpetuators of America, Taco Bell might just be towards the top of his hit list. But this time around there will be no smuggled Canadian rum to make the papers, and no Capone-esque crime lord to take the fall for what has been transpiring at South-of-the-Border eateries for at least the past few days, if not decades. There might be some sort of Taco figurehead, but I doubt he solves his management problems with a baseball bat in the tradition of the former Chicagoland icon. If anything, he probably wears a hairnet and conceals a switchblade under his wife-beater. I do hope Kevin Costner signs on to portray his twenty-first century adversary, though.

You see, the situation I am referring to specifically is not the mammoth portions of nutritionless tripe served for 99 cents, nor the tortillas filled with dog meat unfit for a Korean schoolhouse. No, I am talking, of course, about the ever-evolving world of fast-food side dishes.

Gone are the days when one could order a bean burrito and expect a few ounces of soda and a couple of nachos served with a delightful cup of boiling liquid cheese. These days are only a fond memory. When one orders a bean burrito today, one can expect exactly a gallon of soda to accompany it, and.... wait for it.... TWO ADDITIONAL TACOS.

You read correctly little ones. While intently studying the menu on a recent Mex-pedition (I'm sorry) and looking over the various value meal combinations, I discovered an odd set of circumstances. Whereas other fast-food establishments are required by law to serve some sort of potato-product or the like with their value meals, Taco Bell has taken it upon themselves to revolutionize the way we as a population view the traditional side dish. They have gone ahead and made available meals consisting of a main course, a beverage, and as a side order, another meal.

What's a couple more tacos? You've already set out to consume a ridiculous amount of greasy, pseudo-Mexican shit, so logically, you should be able to top that off with a few more tacos, right? And remember, you can gorge yourself until 3 am or later, just like in the commercial.

Two tacos is actually a combo in itself, available a few numbers down the line, surely for the pussies who just aren't able to cope with the type of system shock that the more manly combos come with.

Pffff. Can't eat two tacos and an entire Mexican pizza? That's un-American.

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 11:11 PM