Old Rage
Profound Truth #845: Old ladies are weird.
Instance: Last week I was driving through a small town, following a truck, when we both passed an old lady walking along the side of the highway. I saw what looked like the beginnings of a friendly wave being directed at me, so I returned the favor. She did appear to have a scowl on her face, but I just figured that's how your face looks when you're 85 years old. Only after I had amicably greeted her with a wave and a "Hi" (she couldn't hear it, but I mouthed it pretty convincingly), did I realize that she wasn't waving. She was shaking her fist at the truck in front of me, and then at my car. There wasn't a two-second gap between the truck and my Toyota, but in this brief period of time this old lady managed to shake her fist and yell "Slow Down!" at each of us separately. I immediately regretted my misdirected gesture of civility, and quickly put my hand down, but I knew she had seen it, and I got embarrassed. I tried to salvage the situation. "Fuck you!" I yelled at her, but my windows were only partially open, and I was already 25 yards down the road, so I doubt she got the message.
How could I have been so naive as to assume an old lady was simply out for a walk on a nice day? I wasn't even speeding, but I imagine that in her mind, anything that clips along faster than her '52 Packard is a death-machine that will inevitably mow down all the neighborhood schoolchildren if she doesn't talk some sense into the maniacal driver from the side of the road. I hope I never reach a point in my life where I wake up in the morning with nothing more on my agenda than that of a dog:
1) Sit on the porch.
2) Yell at cars.
Are the kind old ladies on television simply that, strictly on television? Where are the old ladies that greet anyone under 45 with the timeless combo of "Hello there young man" followed by an offering of hard candy with no wrapper? Nobody in their right mind is going to eat it, but you wouldn't dare throw it away in front of them, lest they see you and proceed to hand down a stern lecture about war rationing. They must all be dead, or just terrified of the current regime of elders that aren't going to stand for that pleasant, agreeable shit, so get hard or get out!
posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 7:13 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home