This Day in History!
September 22, 1692 Following a lengthy trial, Salem resident and unquestioned servant of Lucifer Giles Corey is executed by way of pressing. The Absolution of the Unrighteous Owing to Transgressions Inflicted at the Behest of The Beast '92, as the event is called, turns out to be a wildly popular public display of Puritan godliness, and is attended by over 174 upstanding Christians. Corey's trial, at the time referred to as the "Trial of the Epoch," uncovers his high ranking within Satan's forces on Earth, as well as his considerable skills in wizardry and wheat harvesting. It is traditionally held that throughout his trial Corey did not speak, except for his noble words before death: "Put on more weight." While this quotation exists in many sources, upon further investigation it is more likely that the actual phrase was closer to "HOLY FUCKING CHRIST! LESS WEIGHT!"
Narrative I, or I, Narrative!
Written long ago, circa 2004...
Beginning on a dreary Sunday afternoon. Just afternoon. A man on the street has just said "Good morning" to a passing stranger. Having been informed that it is no longer morning, the man feels awkward. When he is out of sight he checks his watch. A
Toy Story watch that came from Pizza Hut. The man usually keeps it concealed under his sleeve for fear of ridicule. The hour was indeed, just afternoon.
Elsewhere, a man has just rollen (not sure if it's a word, but still using it), a man has just rollen out of bed. He looks at his clock radio. Afternoon. Had he rollen out five minutes earlier, he wouldn't feel like such a loser. But alas, it is afternoon. And the man is indeed, a loser.
Somewhere else, a similar person comes across a blind man accompanied by his seeing-eye dog. The fellow asks the blind man what the dog's name is. The man replies, "I don't know. I'm blind."
In another place, a lamp salesman named Gene has just wrapped up his one thousandth lamp sale. He is lifted upon the shoulders of his coworkers. He is jubilant, he is exhilarated. Until he remembers that he is a lamp salesman. Keep reaching for that rainbow, Gene.
In another location, an attention-starved and suicidal artist completes his masterpiece entitled
I'm Seriously Going to Kill Myself. The painting depicts our artist staring straight ahead, but pointing threateningly at a noose lying on a card table.
Elsewhere, a woman is using a three-hole punch to punch three holes in a piece of paper that is hole-less. A man approaches and says provocatively, "I'd like to punch
your three-hole!" The woman, somewhat flattered, doesn't respond and continues punching holes. The man, to his Bible study group.
And finally, a kidnapped hostage child is playing with a broken cup-and-ball set atop a tall building. The string broke earlier in the morning. The kidnapper had offered her a ball-and-paddle as a replacement, but she had called it "barbaric." Damn you Taiwanese sweatshop children! You will pay for your ineptitude!
September 22, 1692 
