The Quarterly Grain Report

Following a lengthy trial, Salem resident and unquestioned servant of Lucifer Giles Corey is executed by way of pressing. The Absolution of the Unrighteous Owing to Transgressions Inflicted at the Behest of The Beast '92, as the event is called, turns out to be a wildly popular public display of Puritan godliness, and is attended by over 174 upstanding Christians. Corey's trial, at the time referred to as the "Trial of the Epoch," uncovers his high ranking within Satan's forces on Earth, as well as his considerable skills in wizardry and wheat harvesting. It is traditionally held that throughout his trial Corey did not speak, except for his noble words before death: "Put on more weight." While this quotation exists in many sources, upon further investigation it is more likely that the actual phrase was closer to "HOLY FUCKING CHRIST! LESS WEIGHT!"