The Quarterly Grain Report

Beef Gravy & National Socialism (From Beyond the Graaaave!)

Two subjects that seem to contrast with one another, but let's just see if we can't somehow transition seamlessly between the two.

1

While intently studying the label on a bottle of beef gravy t'other day, a brand new marketing slogan caught my eye. "Now closer to homemade!" trumpeted the slogan.

Now closer to homemade. Initially, all I could think was what the fuck does that mean? What kind of alteration to the gravy-making process took place, as to move the gravy one step closer to home? Or maybe nothing in the process was changed. Maybe the change came in the ambiance of the facility. Did the gravy factory put out a welcome mat and install a screen door? Did they rescue one of the doomed, stray dogs from the gravy blast furnace and name it "Lucky" or "Almost Gravy"? Is there a kid in the corner butchering Scott Joplin during his piano lesson because his whore of a mother slammed his fingers in the car door for dropping her and Steve's anniversary bottle of Jack on the driveway? That would certainly make the gravy closer to home for me. But I digress...

What kind of marketing team would green light this as an appropriate phrase to stick on their gravy jars anyway? This gravy sure the fuck wasn't made in a kitchen, or even a building that resembles a home, but a few immigrants do live here, and we do have a spice rack. Closer to home or not, this consumer is satisfied.

2

It used to be that killing zombies was just that. Killing hordes upon hordes of pixelated, radioactive mutants with no political affiliation whatsoever. Until recently, when I stumbled onto a game where, upon closer inspection, all the monsters seemed to be sporting swastikas on their chests and arms. I guess I didn't realize exactly what kind of evil I was dealing with, because these were definitely not your father's politically apathetic, blood-thirsty cannibals. These zombies apparently had ties to the Nazi party.

I, for one, was unaware of the radical political ideologies that many zombies evidently follow, but I suppose that in this era of political partisanship and youth disillusionment, these troubled young souls have found the acceptance and structure that they desperately need in their lives through National Socialism.



Either that, or the same marketing team behind the brilliant gravy slogan didn't think run-of-the-mill zombies would do the trick anymore. These damned souls have, in recent years, come to be seen more and more not as vicious forces to be reckoned with, but as aimless, wandering fools with little or no thought behind their rage. So, what is someone to do when a villain is pretty evil, but not quite Heinrich Himmler evil? Paint him in some Nazi garb and send him on his way.

"Zombies, huh? Nope, not scary enough. Make 'em Nazi zombies. That oughta do it. Radioactive cannibals? How 'bout nuclear-fallout Nazis! Now that's fucking scary! Good versus evil, eh? Is Satan involved? Is he gonna be Nazi Satan? Well he is now. Of course Satan is a Nazi! What the hell else would he be?!"

If you want to take the evil-ness of something to exponential heights, all it takes is a few swastikas.

posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 12:05 PM