The Road Less Traveled
Too many depressed, unambitious citizens have committed suicide over the years without so much as a final whimper. It seems that nobody goes out in a blaze of glory anymore. I'm not suggesting that anyone go on a thoughtless murder-suicide spree. (These are for spoiled children who think society's only function is to beat them down. You're not that important, kiddies. Society doesn't give a fuck about the fact that popular Laura made fun of your acne. When you graduated from high school, you in turn graduated from the teen-angst killing spree.)
All I'm saying is for Christ sake, eight hundred other idiots have already hanged themselves with their bedsheets this month, so why don't you just be a little creative? Why be a limp, dangling footnote if you could be a bloodied, garish headline?
So what is the key to a successful demise? It's easy. I know that if I were to have a choice of death, I wouldn't hesitate to choose assassination. Suicide under the guise of politically-fueled murder. Achieving this may turn into a drawn-out process, but if anyone waited thirty years to come to the conclusion that they wanted to kill themselves, they should be able to stick it out for a few more months of politicking. Just drink some more. The end result will surely not disappoint.
Simply run for a minor county seat that nobody could give a shit about (like coroner, oft times unopposed), and then get yourself killed. Hire a willing participant to take you out while on the campaign trail (Russian mafia), and you will go down as the hero coroner who was cut down at the hands of an assassin while doing his civic duty.
Compare these two scenarios:
Scenario 1
"Did you hear? Frank's dead."
"How did he die?"
"Killed himself. Stuck his head in the oven."
"What a douche."
"Yeah, he probably just didn't want to get his ass kicked again in poker tonight."
"Man, he's bad at cards."
"Don't I know it. Hey, you want some Wendy's?"
"Sure, but I'm not getting that chili again. That shit was bad news."
Scenario 2
"Did you hear? Somebody killed Frank!"
"Are you serious?!"
"Yeah, he was about to give a speech at the tech school, and someone assassinated him!"
"Holy Christ. What a hero. What an American."
"I can't believe it. We just played cards yesterday."
"The whole town is pretty shaken up. Old man Bullock even put a $10,000 bounty on the killer's head."
"You wanna hunt him down?"
"Let's gut that bastard. It's what Frank would've wanted"
posted by Arthur Croft Yates @ 6:58 PM
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