There is Treachery Afoot
According to a recently aired, hard-hitting expos'e on Dateline 20/20, a commission fronted by the National Sleep Foundation has concluded that many Americans are not getting enough sleep. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable conclusion, but something here was definitely amiss. As I dug a little deeper under the surface, you may or may not be shocked to learn (read) what was discovered (imagined).
First of all, National Sleep Foundation? Is this really a legitimate government-associated entity? Based on the results of an independent commission of sleep foundation experts, no. But just to make sure, I visited their world wide website. Upon my initial view, it looked like the homepage actually contained a disproportionate number of images depicting awake people. And not just tired awake people who were on the verge of dozing, but cheerful people who obviously had been alert and being productive for hours. The only other piece of interest on the website was a link to the National Sleep Foundation's upcoming "Events & Activities." Not having followed-up on the link, I can only speculate that these categories mostly involved super-human endurance challenges. Like 24 hours of Le Mans, but with fewer pit stops, and more sleeping.
I for one would like to meet an employee of the NSF. How can this foundation accomplish anything, if all its employees are required by law to consume the minimum amount of eight 8-oz glasses of sleep per day? They can't. So they took the easy way out, and issued a report that played right into their hands.
Secondly, it must have been a spectacularly slow news week, because if even one dramatic incident involving a whale or a flock of geese or a Caucasian child had come up, these pseudo-muckrakists would not have run a segment about a lack of shuteye. No one likes to be chastised about how late they stay up watching the same phone sex commercial over and over again, if they could instead be hoping against hope that the confused baby Orca finds its way home. Human interest sells, or rather, is watched.
Thirdly, someone should really be checking into whether ABNBC illegally received funds from the NSF. Doesn't it seem a little too convenient that a report issued from the National Sleep Foundation came to the mind-blowing conclusion that Americans need more sleep? Why not air the results of a similar study conducted by Gatorade, in which it was determined that Americans are seriously underquenched? The whole thing reeks of foul play.
I didn't expect this from you National Sleep Foundation. It used to be about the sleep. I don't even know who you are anymore.
The Circle of Life
As NCAA hysteria is in full gear here in the lower 48, the real March Madness is set to begin on Saturday for our neighbors to the north. Canada's hallowed annual tradition, the nationwide harp seal hunt, will commence this weekend. And for anyone who has endured the last eleven months without so much as a taste of sweet, sweet seal blood, this year's crop surely won't disappoint.
However, this coming seal season will be accompanied by a cause for concern. The ice on which the annihilation typically takes place is much more broken-up than usual, leading to a scattering of the seals. As a result, the Canadian government is preparing for the longest, bloodiest assault on seal forces since 1874.
In addition to allowing seals to be shot or clubbed, Canadian authorities have sanctioned traditional tactics that had previously been forbidden in an effort to raise enlistment in anti-seal forces, and intimidate the crafty enemy. Recently authorized methods of killing include, but are not limited to:
- Boiling oiling
- Harpooning
- Greco-Roman wrestling
- Mixed martial arts (except Capoeira)
- Curbing
- Politically-charged napalming
- Ted Danson-ing
- Snake-handling
- Slip-N-Sliding
- Scalping (natives only)
- Health benefit-cutting
- Love-making
- Public humiliation
- Parade route assassination
- Psychological torture
When questioned about his own method of choice, Prime Minister Stephen Harper admitted to his partiality for "a good old-fashioned fistfight." Harper added that he especially enjoys inflicting further damage on the seal corpse while he has intercourse with it. Don't we all, Prime Minister, don't we all.
This Day in History!
June 15, 1961
After only a few months on the air, Vincent Price's character is written out of the classic TV sitcom, Mr. Ed. According to producers, Price was unable to come within fifteen feet of the horse without the animal becoming spooked and letting out horrific, unnatural bellowing noises. It was scripted that Price's character, resident veterinarian Dr. Frederick Watson, would be killed in a freak hanging/impaling incident, carried out by the undead skeletons that reside in the mysterious mansion belonging to Wilbur's recently deceased uncle. When reached for comment, Price addressed the situation: "Perhaps your hands will shake and he, too, will die under your knife. A few remaining minutes are all you have. Because when the acid reaches him, he will have a face like mine! Upstairs, in my safe, is a most precious map of papyrus. The way to a pharaoh's tomb! Beneath which flows, each two thousand years, the River of Life. We must make haste and find the river at its flood. The key controls the gates and much more, the life of your Diana. And you have only three minutes to use it. Now, save your Diana!" (ghoulish laughter)
Shine On You Krazy Diamond
While on an excursion to a local grocer recently, I happened upon what I initially thought was a perfectly ordinary tube of gel-based adhesive. Without so much as a second thought I dropped it into my cart and proceeded to the checkout lane. (I will use a cart regardless of how many items I pick out. Why carry when you can awkwardly wheel?) Sharon, the kindly check-outstress double-bagged the tube of adhesive per my request, and I loaded it into the shopping cart for the journey to my vehicle. I proceeded to secure the bag within the child safety seat, and shove the shopping cart into the ditch. I haven't used "Cart Corrals," since it was revealed to me that they are not actual, wild west-type corrals. Don't believe me? Wait there until sundown for the teenage cart-jockey to show up, with a sneer on your face and a six-shooter on your hip, and see if you don't get banned from Piggly Wiggly for life. But I digress.
When I got home and had a chance to further examine just what I purchased, I realized that I had made a grave mistake. For I had not come away with the garden-variety gel-hesive that I remembered. As I tore open the bag like a spoiled seven-year-old on someone else's birthday, I was horrified to learn that the adhesive that I was stuck with (no pun intended, but indeed a delightful one) was Krazy Glue. And judging from the blatant disregard for correct spelling, along with the unsettling degree to which the letter 'A' was askew, I was dealing with the most dangerous, unstable glue that man had ever created. For the time being, I locked the entire package inside a strong box and buried it. I needed some time to further investigate the situation.
Firstly, I wondered how using a 'K' spoke to the insanity of the product any more than the customary 'C.' Wouldn't it be crazier to use a 'QU'? Or a 'C' with a silent 'H,' like in the word patriarch? Chrazy Glue seemed pretty demented to me. Only an insane person would go to the trouble of seeking a more confusing, alternate spelling for a product so easily spelled. Maybe it could be renamed KKKrazy Glue. This way the market would be cornered for both white supremacists and stutterers. It appeared that the advertisers were not fully tapping into the lucrative market of adhesive-less psychopaths.
But after more kareful thought, I determined that perhaps the marketers didn't want their product to appeal to the deranged. They instead saw the 'K' as
playful, and
less crazy than the 'C.' The KG R&D team must have been trying to portray Krazy Glue as leaning more towards the "local sportscaster who writes his own hilarious catchphrases" end of the spectrum, rather than the "creepy guy who only buys potatoes and toilet paper" end of the spectrum. The glue itself is not genuinely insane, and neither are those who use it. Of course. And in applying this strategy, the team has succeeded brilliantly. High-fives all around.
Besides, if Elmers and associates wanted to produce an adhesive that was
truly insane, it would obviously be purple, and it wouldn't adhere to anything, and sometimes the tube would be under such high pressure that the purple insanity would explode all over your face and into your eyes, making you question why you purchased such an unreliable product in the first place. That would be crazy. There's no color crazier than purple.
I deemed that the only situation for which glue of the Krazy variety was the only logical choice, was in taunting the patients of insane asylums.
Patient:
"What are you applying to my multiple stab wounds?"Attendant:
"Krazy Glue. It helps with the healing process."Patient:
"I thought 'crazy' was spelled with a 'c.'"Attendant:
"That's because you're fucking crazy."So after hours of research I came to the conclusion that this supposedly "Krazy" glue simply did not live up to its reputation. In fact, the glue that I had in my possession was not krazy in any sense or spelling of the word. It was just fairly reliable, standard glue. I was most disappointed.
Showdown
After much heated debate, it has come to the attention of many citizens of this country that no hierarchy has yet been established of toxically-mutated crimefighters. It seems like every city across the nation has its own set of grotesquely disfigured vigilantes who will stop at nothing to ensure the safety of their respective metropolises; and without a clear pecking order, or some type of leader to exercise authority over the legions of deformed do-gooders, all hell could break loose. Or more of it anyway. So here, this evening, it will be settled once and for all. Who really is the greatest chemically-altered keeper of our cities? Who is ultra-smooth with the ladies, even though he resembles an aborted fetus? Who follows his killings with the wittiest remarks and puns that criminals have ever known? All these riddles will be answered thoroughly, and tonight, the eternal debate will finally be put to rest.
The field of heroes has been narrowed to two. A process that consumed the whole of the last month and resulted in the elimination of over 26,000 freaks, has left just two. The Toxic Avenger, and Raphael, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. These are the cream of the crop. Top of the line toxic waste-altered ass kickers. And both of their cases will now be compared and subjected to the most scrutiny since
Scrutiny Days '97.
ResidenceToxic Avenger: Tromaville, New Jersey
Raphael: New York City sewers
Advantage: Avenger - He has no secret lair. Crime doesn't take a break.
BackstoryToxic Avenger:
Prior to becoming the baddest motherfucker in all of New Jersey, the Avenger started out as "Melvin," a janitor at the local health club. After enduring merciless teasing at the hands of the other, physically attractive club members, Melvin finally cracked after being tricked into making out with a sheep. He was chased by his tormentors to the third story of the facility and, reaching the end of the hallway, leaped out of the window. Unfortunately for Melvin, an open drum of toxic sludge was located directly below the window, and he landed squarely inside of it. (And if you have been to any sort of health club recently, you know just how easily this can happen.) Melvin raced home and ran a nice, warm bath. But before he could even stop his man-sobbing, he was transformed into a monstrous being with superhuman strength. Melvin was the Toxic Avenger. The Avenger instinctively sought to bring the corruption of the world to light, and evildoers to his mop of justice.
Raphael:
After buying four turtles at a pet store, a small child tripped on his way home, and Raphael and three others fell into the sewer. The turtles became doused in Mutagen, a highly volatile toxin that someone had also spilled into the sewer upon tripping, or something. There they were met by a Japanese martial arts expert who lived underground, and decided to name and care for each of them. But contrary to what one would think would happen to radioactive turtles, they didn't develop painful tumors or reptile lymphoma, but opposable thumbs. The turtles soon began to grow to immense sizes, stand on their hind legs, become attracted to human females, and learn English along with various martial arts. Their trainer, who was exposed to the nuclear toxin along with the turtles, logically turned into a giant rat who wore clothing, but had no super strength. Following the near assault of a female reporter that the turtles prevented, they took the next sensible step and became full-time vigilante mutant crime-fighters. Raphael, being the most outspoken and rebellious of the four, and the only turtle wielding a short-range weapon, will serve as group representative.
Advantage: Raphael - Although he possesses roughly the same abilities as the Avenger, Raphael was never at any point human, which explains his fondness for Phil Collins.
WeaponsAvenger: Mop, super strength, menacing dead eye
Raphael: The sai (kinda like a fork, but not)
Advantage: Draw - This one would go to the turtle, but the Avenger's super strength makes up for his rather effeminate instrument.
Razor-Sharp One-Liners
Toxic Avenger:
- "I'm not just another pretty face."
- "Let's see if you've got any guts." (Punches the mayor in the stomach and rips out his guts)
- (The Avenger is fighting a thug, when suddenly a beeping is heard. He checks his watch) "Lucky for you I've got a piano lesson."
Raphael:
None. He'll just thrust a sai into your throat and be on his way.
Advantage: The Avenger - He could write for Dharma & Greg.
DisguisesRaphael: Seamlessly blends into New York population wearing a trenchcoat and hat.
Avenger: None. Justice needs not to be cloaked.
Advantage: Avenger
So, after much deliberation, ballot casting and counting, it has been determined that the unquestionable ruler of all genetically-altered vigilante crime-fighters, and the last name to be uttered by every dying criminal will be...
The Toxic AvengerFor being selected, the Avenger will receive a gift basket containing various lotions (courtesy of Bath & Body Works), a Craftsman 51-piece socket and ratchet set, and coupons redeemable at any Toledo-area IHOP.
Raphael, along with the other 26,000 runners-up, will recieve a VHS copy of
Teen Wolf, starring Michael J. Fox.
