An Old-Fashioned, Good-Timey Post
When life gets you down, just remember some old phrase that you may have been told at one point or another, along your path to sheer greatness, similar to lycra. When I find myself in this type of predicament, I usually continue in the said state of melancholy for quite some time, as I must not seem the type of fellow that would readily accept proverbs from strangers. I must look surly or else emit some type of foul odor as I traverse the dank alleyways of my home-tropolis, for whenever I am truly in need of some helpful, stranger-provided advice, I receive none. The usual response that I draw is something like a rape or horrible lead pipe beating. I really should steer clear of those alleyways. They do look inviting, I'll give them that...
Weird, I was going for a simple period but ended up with ellipses. That last sentence wasn't supposed to be a cliffhanger, or a lead-in to anything, I simply have too much caffeine in my system. This is almost a necessity when you are up at the crack of dawn as I am on a daily basis. That's right. I'm wide awake before any of you clowns have had your wet-dream climaxes. I'm busting my ass (lightly sweeping) before you can clean yourself up and shake off your embarrassment with a steaming bowl of rice...err, pudding...adventure.
What is the first thing you think of when I say
Muslim? This question cannot currently be answered because I have not spoken the aforementioned word, I have only just finished typing it. Now to rephrase. What is the first thing you think of when you have read the recently typed word
Muslim? I can fathom that many of you (assuming that the typist is not the sole reader of this piece of writing) have associated the word
Muslim with the peaceful and serene religion of Islam. Incapable of doing anyone any harm, save a few loonies with C4 and some duct tape. This is absolutely correct. Just because the most prominent terror attacks of the last 25 years have been primarily the deeds of Muslims, doesn't mean that they should be paid any more attention than the zealots who don't behead people. And just because many of the neighborhood children, who happen to live within a 200-yard radius of a known sex-offender, have been complaining about being sodomized, doesn't mean that the rapist shouldn't be under the same scrutiny as the family dog. I mean, the dog probably did it anyway! He was in heat, or something, and those bacon-scented kids had it coming! Profiling is wrong!
Politicians in general, please step off your moral soapboxes. Whoever provided you with that extremely large crate that was once filled with soap seems like a shady character, but that's just me. Who needs that much soap? Extremists of one sort or another? Obsessive-compulsives? Pigpen? (Peanuts reference too juvenile for you? Just replace
Pigpen with
back-alley abortionists. Now go back to sleep dear.)
What happened to the good ol' days, when a man wouldn't dare go out for a night on the town without a very dapper hat? If society were to go back to this, I can conclude that the respective levels of gentlemenlyness, suavity, bootlegging, and dapperance would rise exponentially. Not to mention the skyrocketing popularity of rich, satisfying Chesterfields.
Apecide: Also Going On
While the price of oil has reached an all-time high at $58.60/bbl, the cost per bbl of monkeys remains stable at $7.66, including the simian embalming fluid. The primates must be shaped and bent before rigor mortis sets in, and dyed afterwards. Dramatic shrinking is a typical side-effect of the dyeing process. "Don't worry little fella! It's natural to feel a little nervous about being harvested for children's enjoyment!"
Tom and Oprah react to hearing an audience member recount how, in an ironic twist, she contracted Type I Diabetes while spending the summer at Kamp Insulin
NewsFlash
"Tom Cruise proposes marriage to Katie Holmes at Eiffel Tower"-and so begins the opening scene of
Mission: Impossibly Cliched Marriage Proposal
The Quarterly Grain Report Presents: Actual Quotes!
Construction Worker #1: Where can I find a dust mask?
Construction Worker #2: I don't know. I don't do dusty shit, so I don't know.
Odin, the chief divinity of the Norse pantheon, instructing someone on how to reach the men's room
Top Obituary Euphemisms
- "Stopped functioning"
- "Ceased to be a burden"
- "Descended into Hell"
- "Became a corpse"
- "Internally imploded"
- "Tempted the lions"
- "Was overwhelmed by deadness"
- "Suffered shovel-induced brain trauma"
- "Was called by Odin"
pork roast - thermos
A Startling Discovery
Overheard at a board meeting in Jim Davis's mind:
Evil Lord:
You must create the most humorless comic strip in the history of man, or every child on Earth will die! (Sinister laughter)Jim:
I'll do my best, and I think I know just what will do the trick. The strip will center around a sarcastic cat, and the basic plotline will remain unchanged for 25 years.Evil Lord: Very well. But should you waver from your path......CRUNCH! (Impales a diorama consisting of children of various ethnicities onto a stake) (Sinister laughter)
*Taken from the minutes of November 12, 1977
WARNING:
Due to the graphic nature...side effects...psoriasis...internal bleeding...liver failure...and so forth...that will result from watching the following program, v
iewer discretion is advised.Discretion (def): individual choice or judgement.
And so begins another episode of one of my favorite disclaimer-preceded programs. The shows that have been deemed "too risky" to air without giving the viewer this trusty heads-up.
Be careful, television viewer! You may have to use judgement!Usually I'll sit down with a bowl of steaming pork hocks, prepared for hours upon hours of warm, glowing enjoyment, with not a thought in my mind. Let alone the horrifying notion that I might have to
make a decision?! No. This is not what I signed up for. Thank you, Explicit Program Discretion Warning! You have relieved me the burdens of deduction, analytical reasoning, and decision-making, and you have placed them squarely on your powerful, right-angled shoulders. You will be forever revered by an unblinking populace!
Rehabilitation
If you have a gambling problem and need help, please contact me at my casino/home. We can play all kinds of gambling-related games such as:
"Electromagnet Bonanza," "Is this a real casino?," and
"Place your money in this hat."
For the Children
It seems to me that we, as a culture, are setting our children up for some type of inevitable emotional reckoning day at some point in their futures by allowing them to form attatchments to furry (and delicious), anthropomorphic creatures on television. Why can't we simply have cartoons consisting of real-life situations, so that the kiddies can become desensitized to American society gradually, instead of having to experience the horror of being sold into slavery, or seeing Mr. Giblets being consumed by a python?
This cultural revolution could start with a kind of informational cartoon series, with such episodes as:
That Veal Cut Has a Circulatory System Too!, 1+ 2= A Riveting Career in Accounting, Santa Claus : The Argumentum Ad Baculum Logical Fallacy, and
What Really Happens When a Middle-Aged Man in a Bear Suit Shares Candy With You
Symbolism: Only One Letter, Along With an Additionally Omitted Letter From Embolism
The crucifix necklace. Whoever patented that baby is rolling, and I mean literally rolling as we speak, in dough. But I can't help imagining that the original targeted audience for this ancient piece of bejewelment was the Roman. Who else would splurge for a gaudy necklace, adorned with a most gruesome implement of torture, than those who poularized it?
Just to rub it in the nose of a Christian, our friend Adonis (I can't seem to find my baby-name book for 1 AD) decides to haggle with a local vendor and finally purchase one of those new, super-boss crucifix necklaces, or as they were called in Rome, Victory Neclaces (they also carried steins and foam fingers). The next morn, when Adonis spots his Christian neighbor Amos reading the Times on his porch, he strolls by wearing only his golden necklace, which results in Amos being reduced to a moaning, praying heap, stroking Adonis's ego that much more.
Somehow, the symbol managed to manifest itself into something of a source of strength for these Christians, (or as they are known in Peru, Jesusians) thereby driving up profits exponentially. So, if you're looking for a blue-chip commodity that is very likely to pay major dividends for at least the next 500-1000 years, you simply cannot go wrong with Christ-related paraphernalia. And, if the entrepenuerial bug should happen to bite you, just slap some crucifixes (crucifi?) on some skateboards, call them JesusBoards, and commence rolling.
